Gazing Within

My story of resilience is shaped by overcoming pain, fear, and doubt through kindness. Only by extending a hand to the parts of myself that I was taught to leave behind, by embracing fear, anger and sadness, I was able to rediscover myself and move forward.

At first I thought of it as a battle against depression, but truly it was a battle against the self. A battle motivated by the fear of being seen as lazy, selfish and worthless, that led me to try and shape myself into the perfect daughter, then the perfect woman. Battling with myself over every perceived flaw, suppressing anger and resentment, I quickly learned that I had to erase these undesirable parts of me to be worthy. At the same time I wanted to escape the suffocating environment that demanded this perfection from me.

I lived on my own for a painful and mostly forgotten year. Without any external structure my life fell apart and I did not know how to keep pushing myself to maintain the facade of perfection. I stopped going to class, stopped showering, stopped taking care of my pets, stopped eating regularly, and stopped sleeping at night. My life became performative; pulling myself together when needing to appear fine in front of others. After starting antidepressants I woke up as a stranger to myself.

Moving to the US was my attempt at running away. But moving across the world could not make me escape from myself. The physical distance I had created could not solve the internal conflict that had been brewing this whole time.

But for the first time in my life I had found a place where I was safe enough to confront myself. Somewhere I could embrace my failures, my weaknesses and my anger, knowing that the person I decided to spend the rest of my life with would not reject me for being imperfect.

I learned that anger did not have to mean ugliness and cruelty, but could be a form of resistance. I learned that fear and failure would not break the world around me. I grieved for my past self. I learned I had to be kind to myself and especially kind to these parts of me that I found so ugly and undesirable. I learned that I am not perfect, but I am resilient.

I wanted to make a piece that would invite me to look at myself and reflect on these parts of myself I struggled to accept for so long. This piece is both a confrontation but also a reminder that I have survived so far thanks to the strength I found within me.

I decided to work with found materials present in my house to represent my lived experience. The strips of fabric are from old clothing I kept from my teenage years. The cups are a gift from my in-laws. The dried flowers are from the always present bouquets that me and my wife use to decorate our home. The yarn comes from my wife’s crochet hobby. The mirror is forced confrontation and reflection.

The bouquet of dried flowers tied with old clothing is the grief and mourning of my past self. The nails pointing outwards and boring into the canvas are the anger and frustration that were once suppressed. The broken cup besides the whole cup is fear of failure and imperfection. The yarn extends from the central mirror, the self, and joins the parts together with kindness.

This artwork is the physical manifestation of my internal reconciliation, a shift from eliminating parts of myself to holding them together. It’s my strength and resilience.