I Always Try

Aryana Swanson

Resilience is not an easy word to define. For me, it connects to multiple aspects of my ongoing time at UCSD.

I often ask myself what I’m missing, what do I not get that everyone else does here, why am I not like them? There’s this view I have of this school, everyone always looks so… intentional. All the students and staff have such a purposeful walk, it looks like everyone is motivated all the time. They know what they’re doing; and with how fast paced our quarter is designed it makes you feel like you need to be productive all the time. And for whatever reason, I just feel like I can’t get it right. I don’t have this inherent sense of completion when I press that submit button, it never feels like enough because someone around me is pursuing the next big thing. I kept thinking something is inhibiting this productivity from clicking with me. I’m constantly questioning myself as I’m tested to keep giving it my all, every time I set foot on campus. And that constant pressure to maintain a rapid work ethic, as I’m falling behind, leads me to feel like I’m not fulfilling the role of a qualified student here.

I don’t feel like I belong here.

Not yet, anyways. But then, I don’t know if I will ever feel like it if I can’t meet the mountain of expectations suffocating me as I keep falling during the incessant climb. I feel like I’m grasping onto any connection, any lead to what I’m doing wrong, what to do next and how to fix myself to be what I worked hard for. I mean, I applied here, and I got in– yet, why do I feel like I’m more of an outsider from an institution that accepted me to be here? Why does it never feel enough?

These words I included in my artwork have plagued my thoughts over and over again, especially when they come from places I’m working to be a part of. Time and time again, I get caught up in what I’m told about what I am, what I represent, what it feels like to be discouraged constantly by an environment I willingly agreed to take part in. This school really pushes you to surpass the potential you think you have. I’ll admit, I hold myself to a very high standard of achievement, but that doesn’t make this insecure feeling of not being where I’m meant to remedy this train of thought to be better. And I won’t know the answer for everyone to get out of this cycle of negative thought. 

But when I look in the mirror, if I let these words cloud my judgment, I can’t see who I am and what I want to be.

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.

I may not be the most impressive student, I might not have that many friends, and I’m far from being a recognizable face of UCSD. But you know what? Maybe that’s not what I’m going to look back on when I graduate one day. 

With all this adversity in front of me, I still put in effort to all that I do. Despite all these pitfalls I feel inhibit my success of producing outstanding work, I don’t give up, I look further. I still show up and strive to go beyond the limits enabled by my surroundings. 

I didn’t have to bear my eternal imposter syndrome to you, the stranger reading this. 

But I did it anyway, and that shows that I put care in just about anything I produce. That’s me telling you that it’s ok to take a leap and pursue something that calls you to speak your mind. If there’s something you’re passionate about, make an intentional attempt to do more, know more. And look, I don’t always love what comes out of it, But at the same time, I’m proud to know that I did put myself out there to see what it’s like. And by now, I at least know how I feel about something rather than not knowing it and staying complacent in this failing string of thoughts. Any effort, no matter how big or small, takes more courage than you would think. And for me, it changes my perspective on feeling discouraged all the time and is a step to help make me feel a bit better. One good thing can get you out of the worst cycle of negativity you trap yourself in. 

So I’m not going to tell you what resilience means to you or anyone else reading this.

But I can tell you that I tried. And I’m not going to stop trying.